Welcome Aboard!
We shouldn’t be surprised that many people are seeking to become Jewish.
Parashat Yitro 5771
In a well-known episode of Seinfeld, Jerry’s dentist converts to Judaism and starts telling Jewish jokes. Jerry feels very uncomfortable with it and complains to his friend Elaine that he believes the dentist converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
[Click HERE to see a clip on YouTube]
What I find so interesting about this episode of Seinfeld is that it reveals something about a common Jewish attitude toward converts. The underlying problem is that Jerry is suspicious of the dentist’s motives and he doesn’t think the dentist is truly Jewish.
A few days ago, a young man came to see me asking questions about Judaism and how someone would become Jewish. One of the things he wanted to know is whether Judaism regards converts as having the same status as those who are born Jewish. That’s a hard question to answer. It’s one of those “yes… but…” answers. The short answer is: Yes – converts are Jews in every regard. When a person converts to Judaism, they undergo a rigorous course of study and preparation which culminates in a ritual immersion in the mikveh. According to Jewish law, when a convert emerges from the womb-like waters of the mikvah, they are spiritually reborn as a Jew with all the rights and responsibilities therein. They receive a Hebrew name with the patronymic, “ben or bat Avraham Avinu v’Sarah Immeinu” – every convert to Judaism is considered to be the spiritual son or daughter of our forefather Abraham and our foremother Sarah. It doesn’t get more Jewish than that! And according to halachah, converts to Judaism are held in high regard and we are forbidden to discriminate against them or use their background to shame them in any way.
But… like I said, this is a “yes, but” answer. The “but” is that the real life experience of converts diverges from what halachah says. Going back to at least the time of the Talmud, Jews have held suspicions and reservations about those who choose to become Jewish. Even today, with so many Jews-by-choice in our midst, there’s still discrimination and prejudice about converts.
I have the privilege of mentoring people who want to become Jewish. And in the 2 ½ years I’ve been a rabbi here, I’ve seen a growing number of people approaching us interested in conversion. Many of my students and many people who have converted, confide in me that they struggle with the attitudes and reactions they get from other Jews. There’s usually no malice involved, just insensitivity and prejudice. Like Jerry Seinfeld, a lot of Jews presume that Jews-by-choice convert only for some ulterior motive. It is true that for many Jews-by-Choice, their initial interest in Judaism started when they met their Jewish spouse. But, I have never met a conversion candidate who said, “come on, rabbi, let’s just get this over with so I can placate my mother-in-law.” I’m sure those cases are out there in some small number, and there may be unscrupulous rabbis who will work with such people, but in my experience, people who choose to become Jewish have thought long and hard about it and take very seriously that choice. Through rigorous study and preparation, they come to own that decision. Their path into Judaism may have started because of their love of a Jew, but it turns into a sincere love of Judaism.
For others, their path to Judaism may have started with the discovery of Jewish roots. Many people are drawn to Judaism initially because they have a connection to Judaism in their family. They are not halakhically Jewish, but they wish to be so. These converts also face prejudice from other Jews. When they talk about their Jewish roots, the reaction from other Jews is a kind of relief: “oh, I see, you really are Jewish… you must have it in your blood… that’s why you converted.” The implication is that these converts chose Judaism not out of a love of the religion, but because of some ethnic connection. It treats Judaism like a race and it implies that other converts who don’t have that ethnic heritage are perhaps less authentically Jewish. It’s meant as a compliment, but it implies that converts are of a lower status.
And finally, there are people who have been for years desperately searching for spirituality and a belief system that rings true and they find their way to Judaism. Judaism is the answer to the big questions in their lives. These converts often get the most suspicious responses from other Jews. They tell me that other Jews look at them like they’re crazy.
But, despite the responses that many converts report, I actually think there is something much deeper at work. I want to suggest that prejudice against converts is only superficially about suspicions of the converts themselves. I think it has more to do with a psychological syndrome among those of us who were born and raised Jewish. I don’t know that I can generalize this to all Jews, but I think that many of us at times are baffled by converts. We can’t imagine why someone would want to be Jewish… and that’s sad. In that episode of Seinfeld, when the dentist first tells Jerry that he just completed his conversion to Judaism, Jerry and George look at the man like he’s out of his mind, as though to say, “why on earth would anyone choose to be Jewish?” The only thing Jerry can muster to say to the dentist is a snarky “welcome aboard.”
I’ll own up to it. Before I started working with conversion students, I used to have those feelings. Why would someone want to be Jewish? Why would someone go out of their way to take on the obligations and baggage that comes with Judaism? Why would someone choose to become part of a historically persecuted minority?
I think the discrimination that many converts feel actually stems from an inferiority complex we Jews have internalized over all these years of exile and assimilation. It’s tragic that many of us can’t imagine that someone would choose to become Jewish because perhaps Judaism is a beautiful, spiritually powerful, deeply meaningful, intellectually rigorous, theologically true religious tradition with a strong sense of ethics, community and mission. The problem is that Jews like Jerry Seinfeld and many of us don’t know that (or we forget it). We don’t bother to see what many non-Jewish spiritual seekers see in us.
In this week’s parsha, we meet one of the most famous non-Jews who chose to attach himself to the Jewish people. This very special parsha which includes the revelation at Mount Sinai and the giving of the Ten Commandments; this most Jewish of parshas starts with and, indeed, is named after a non-Jew. He is a non-Jew who comes to love and respect the Jewish people and God. He is a non-Jew whose daughter married the greatest profit and leader of our people. (That’s right, Moses inter-married!) When Moses had fled Egypt, he spent several years living with the Midiyanites, a desert tribe that also traced their ancestry to Abraham. Moses married the daughter of the Midiyanite high-priest Yitro (or Jethro). In this week’s parsha, Yitro, after having heard of Israel’s victory over Egypt, comes, bringing along with him Moses’ wife Tzipporah and their sons. Moses and Yitro greet each other with great affection and Moses recounts to Yitro everything that had befallen the Israelites and all the miracles that God had done for them. The Torah says that at that moment “Yitro rejoiced over all the kindness that the Lord had shown Israel… ‘Baruch Hashem’ (Blessed be The Lord), Yitro said, “…now I know that the Lord is greater than all gods…” (Exodus 18:9-11) Yitro made offerings to God and joined the Jewish people in their journey. We learn later in Deuteronomy that Yitro eventually returned to Midiyan, but his daughter remained and became an Israelite. In those days, there was no formal conversion as there is today. If a person attached themselves to the Israelite community and abided by the Torah, they became part of the Jewish people.
But, regardless of whether we understand what Yitro did as conversion or not, my point is, Moses doesn’t say to his father-in-law, “What? Are you crazy!? Why would you want to be one of us?! Don’t you know we just survived 10 plagues and we’ve been schlepping through the desert for weeks? God has all these rules and demands… why would you want any of that?” No, Moses doesn’t try to turn Yitro away; in fact, we see later that Moses tried to convince Yitro to stay.
I’m not suggesting we go out and start proselytizing or recruiting more Jews (though, God knows, it wouldn’t hurt). What I’m suggesting is that we need to stop having such a negative view of ourselves; and when someone comes to us and says, “I want to be Jewish.” We should be as happy and welcoming as Moses was with his father-in-law.
This week’s parsha contains in it the most pivotal moment in all of Jewish history. The revelation at Sinai is why we were put on this earth as Jews. According to the Midrash, God created the entire universe for no other reason than this moment. God drew close to the Jewish people so that we would be God’s messengers… so that we would bring God’s Torah to humanity. That doesn’t mean we think everyone needs to be Jewish, but it does mean that we have a special responsibility to be an “Ohr La’Goyim” a light unto the nations. We have a story to tell. It is a beautiful and compelling story; and there are people who want to be part of our story. We have a wonderful religious tradition and a theology that speaks the Truth. We shouldn’t be surprised that more and more people are seeing that and want to join us. Perhaps we could learn a lot from our brothers and sisters who chose to become Jewish. Perhaps they can teach us to see the beauty and truth we sometimes take for granted.
Shabbat Shalom.
When I first arrived at HEA, I didn’t want anyone to know that I converted. I actually wanted to see if I could “pass as a Jew”. I read my prior statement now and feel a strong mix of emotions from anger to amusement. I have told some of my friends at HEA that I am a convert, and I do think some were wondering.
I have to report that I am still converting in many ways. This year I struggled with how to celebrate traditions with my daughter that are not “my family traditions”. I never imagined how painful it would be to really turn my back on traditions of my family – even when I never felt completely happy with them as it was. I want to feel competent, joyous, and relaxed about raising my child as a Jew, but I don’t feel that way about being Jewish myself. It’s more than knowing I get lost in services and don’t know all the tunes by heart… it’s the cultural dimension of being Jewish that is daunting.
In 8th grade I could have done what everyone else was doing in Catholic school and go through confirmation, but I couldn’t do it. A boy in my neighborhood asked me if I believed in God, and I couldn’t answer him. That bothered me so much that I told my parents I wouldn’t complete confirmation. My father took me on a walk and asked me all types of questions and it was one of the best discussions I’ve ever had. He didn’t judge me, didn’t indicate he was upset (though he was I later discovered), and he seemed to only want to understand and challenge my thinking. My mother, an atheist, finally explained to me why she never attended church with us.
Later on, my grandmother gave me a number of heirlooms and made sure that I knew what they meant to her. All amber jewelry in color – you see Bernstein means amber in German, and that was the name of a Jewish grandparent she wanted me to remember.
In my 20’s I worked for an Orthodox couple for four and half years and they had me over for Shabbat, holiday services, and daily life in their home. I learned more about my love of Judaism from them than at any other time since. The way they lived was inspiring, beautiful, and full of meaning and growth. And then I met Jason, my husband, in the same town and when he told me he was Jewish, my heart sang.
I didn’t convert, however, until right before we married. I truly love Judaism as a spiritual path and religion, so why don’t I feel comfortable? I think it should be clear. Judaism is a lot to convert into – it’s religion, it’s practice, it’s family and community, it’s tradition, it’s cultural – but mainly, even after 5 years since conversion, it still feels like I’m a newbie. I make dumb mistakes. I’m petrified of the bema, and so on. I can’t relate to the experience of growing up that my child will have, but I will be right there with her.
Jason reminds me that we can make our own traditions as a family, of course.
Ultimately, I am perhaps too hard on myself. I have so much to learn and experience – and why should I hide that? It’s crazy to think that after conversion “we” are 100% “there”. Is anyone?
Finally, if you wonder why anyone would want to be Jewish, then perhaps you are missing what is compelling and beautiful about life as a Jew. Perhaps you wouldn’t inspire someone like me to give up a lifetime of traditions for yours. Perhaps Shabbat in your home is not celebrated with heart. I don’t know. Every convert should be so lucky to have a family embrace them and teach them how to celebrate life as a Jew! Where are those families?