I have to report that I am still converting in many ways. This year I struggled with how to celebrate traditions with my daughter that are not “my family traditions”. I never imagined how painful it would be to really turn my back on traditions of my family – even when I never felt completely happy with them as it was. I want to feel competent, joyous, and relaxed about raising my child as a Jew, but I don’t feel that way about being Jewish myself. It’s more than knowing I get lost in services and don’t know all the tunes by heart… it’s the cultural dimension of being Jewish that is daunting.

In 8th grade I could have done what everyone else was doing in Catholic school and go through confirmation, but I couldn’t do it. A boy in my neighborhood asked me if I believed in God, and I couldn’t answer him. That bothered me so much that I told my parents I wouldn’t complete confirmation. My father took me on a walk and asked me all types of questions and it was one of the best discussions I’ve ever had. He didn’t judge me, didn’t indicate he was upset (though he was I later discovered), and he seemed to only want to understand and challenge my thinking. My mother, an atheist, finally explained to me why she never attended church with us.

Later on, my grandmother gave me a number of heirlooms and made sure that I knew what they meant to her. All amber jewelry in color – you see Bernstein means amber in German, and that was the name of a Jewish grandparent she wanted me to remember.

In my 20’s I worked for an Orthodox couple for four and half years and they had me over for Shabbat, holiday services, and daily life in their home. I learned more about my love of Judaism from them than at any other time since. The way they lived was inspiring, beautiful, and full of meaning and growth. And then I met Jason, my husband, in the same town and when he told me he was Jewish, my heart sang.

I didn’t convert, however, until right before we married. I truly love Judaism as a spiritual path and religion, so why don’t I feel comfortable? I think it should be clear. Judaism is a lot to convert into – it’s religion, it’s practice, it’s family and community, it’s tradition, it’s cultural – but mainly, even after 5 years since conversion, it still feels like I’m a newbie. I make dumb mistakes. I’m petrified of the bema, and so on. I can’t relate to the experience of growing up that my child will have, but I will be right there with her.

Jason reminds me that we can make our own traditions as a family, of course.

Ultimately, I am perhaps too hard on myself. I have so much to learn and experience – and why should I hide that? It’s crazy to think that after conversion “we” are 100% “there”. Is anyone?

Finally, if you wonder why anyone would want to be Jewish, then perhaps you are missing what is compelling and beautiful about life as a Jew. Perhaps you wouldn’t inspire someone like me to give up a lifetime of traditions for yours. Perhaps Shabbat in your home is not celebrated with heart. I don’t know. Every convert should be so lucky to have a family embrace them and teach them how to celebrate life as a Jew! Where are those families?